Happy Christmas!

Well, nearly at the end of it, but I have time to read now, so I thought I'd let you know that I'm alive, well fed, and looking forward to a wider family bash tomorrow.

I nearly got through my list of things to do yesterday, which was pretty marvellous and down to the fact that my Beloved helped.

Service this morning seemed to go well and now I think I need to go to sleep. Chance that I'm all ready for tomorrow?

... Approximately None!

Loud and inappropriate laughter.

I was at a christmas gathering when one of my ecumenical colleagues turned to her boss and asked, "Have you checked out the new coffee shop in town yet?"

He (known for his liking for certain stimulants most often found at such a venue) replied that he had not.

She then responded, "Oh, I thought you would have been in like a shot", whereupon I dissolved into giggles and she looked at me, perplexed.

It lost a lot in the explanation, but still gives me the giggles. Sadly, I like a good pun, "Thank you, Bernard."*

The chances that I'm likely to be invited to anything at the local Anglican church for a while?

... approximately nun.


*Reference to the BBC TV series "Yes, Minister". Bernard was known for his pedantic attention to unmixing metaphors, explaining obscure Classical allusions, and finding the most literal meaning of any given phrase. Whereupon either Sir Humphrey or the Minister would repressively intone, "Thank you, Bernard", and change the subject. He is arguably best known for his 'helpful' suggestion of an advertising slogan for the British Civil Service - "Red Tape is Fun!". I've always wanted a shirt with that slogan and his caricature on it. Sadly, I've never seen one, and given that the show was produced in the '80s I doubt I will ever find one.

Cooling Tip for events during a long summer

Although we've had a reprieve from the hellish heat of a couple of weeks ago, it's still warm. Particularly at inside events where there's no air-conditioning or fans and that have limited windows to let the breeze through.

But I've discovered a useful tip to aid in such situations and I'm about to share it with you to apologise for not being a good, regular blogger.

Aren't I kind?

Are you ready?

Sure?

Look around the audience or congregation and sit next to a post-menopausal woman. As the room heats, she will begin fanning herself. And although she may not actually be fanning you, there's enough air moving in the general vicinity to make life a little more bearable.

And, of course, if you have lots of post-menopausal friends, you may be in the enviable situation of finding a seat between two post-menopausal women who will both start fanning themselves.

And the chance that life gets any better than that?

... Approximately None!

Elbows

I was invited to participate in a school speech day on Friday. Really enjoyed some parts like the dance troop and seeing the little preppies get their encouragement awards, and the fact that there seemed to be so many lovely young men and women ready to go out and make their mark on the world.

I also puzzled over the fact that in a pipe band you can have some trouble picking a pre-pubescent boy from a pre-pubescent girl, unless the girls ALL have long hair. Kilts will do that.

But the main block from total enjoyment was the heat. There is nothing worse than being dressed up in your good clothes and then feeling the sweat trickle down between your shoulder blades (yes, "sweat" - it was definitely not as refined as "perspiration" and even further from the "glowing" that apparently ladies are supposed to do when warm).

Unless it's the feeling of sweat running down your thighs under a lined skirt.

Or the slimy feeling you get at the point you neatly cross your ankles so that your knees can stay together because you're in the front row, wearing a suit skirt and very visible to the assembled parents, friends, special guests and students.

Anyway it was hot, but I was priviledged to sit in the special section with the college council, which meant that we had comfy seats and a bottle of water provided just beside the leg of each chair.

It also meant that I was sitting next to a couple of men who were built on generous lines. I don't mean fat, I mean they had the bulk to match their height. Which meant that they needed the additional room for their arms that was above our mutual armrests.

Which would have been fine, except that I'm not as little as I used to be. And the need to keep my arms by my sides began to make me wonder how much colour difference my royal blue blouse would show if for some reason it were to become moist. Which was definitely going to be the case.

I made a mental note to keep my arms by my sides after the event was over.

Then remembered that I was giving the Benediction at the end of the proceedings.

It is usual in my church for the appointed God-person to raise their arms to pronounce the Benediction.

But the appointed God-person would usually be a proper minister wearing an alb, which would be white and not show the change in colour (mind you any minister wearing an alb on this particular occasion would have passed out with heat exhaustion by this point, so it ends up being moot).

So how much did anyone care if I had dark circles under my arms?

... Approximately None, because everyone was in exactly the same boat!

Missed Opportunity...

It's been a trifle warm here this week.

Once upon a time I worked from home, so would fire up the air-conditioner in my office and ignore the heat.

Of course, before that I lived in Central Queensland and had to put up with it (albiet that my workplace was airconditioned).

And way before that I lived in Cloncurry. With a recorded temperature in the 50s during the late 1800s. That's quite warm. When we lived there we used to want to throw stuff at the ABC weatherman, because Mt Isa would be expecting a warm day at 43 or 45 degrees and Brisbane was expecting a scorcher at 38. He had no clue. And we were heat affected.

When I was in high school and we first moved here from Cloncurry I remember going to a church dinner and everyone was complaining about how hot it had been that day. Then someone laughed and said, "but you probably don't find this hot!" Our family thought about it, then said that we had found it hot - we'd been building a shed in the backyard and it was hot. Everyone just looked at us as if we were aliens - what were we thinking doing physical work in that heat!

I've just got soft of late.

These days I'm often out at meetings or visiting people and so I don't always get the choice to cool down. it seems a waste to cool a space for an hour, then go out leaving the room to heat up again. Also, I used to be from Central Queensland and North-western Queensland. I should be tough.

So after I survived through Tuesday telling myself that I used to be able to do this heat thing and that Mum had never put the air-conditioner on until the mercury hit 39 when we lived in Cloncurry, so I was just being a wuss, and our house is actually quite cool mostly, and anyway I had a meeting shortly, or it was late afternoon and it would cool down shortly, is that a storm on the horizon? ...

... I found out on Wednesday that the temperature had hit 42 on Tuesday. That's quite hot enough to air-condition by anyone's standards, thank you.

And the chance that I have actually bought a thermometer so that I can tell if I'm being a wuss or that I am justified in turning the magic box on?

... Approximately None, but I might put the air-con on anyway. It's hot.

Although I have a meeting this afternoon...

Short Circuting Keyboard

I've just had the biggest heart attack.

I was sitting here in a glow of finally-finished-the-church-service-for-tomorrow-morning-to-my-(and-hopefully-God's)-satisfaction and checking out some of my favourite blogs when the keyboard started making the strangest electronic short circuiting noises.

No smoke.

No flames.

Just tiny, tinny, crackling noises that sounded precisely like the time I killed the mini sanding machine when I'd almost finished Giggles' rockinghorse.

But it had sparks, and this didn't.

I somewhat hesitantly lifted the keyboard to see what was going on underneath (where the noise was coming from) and discovered a bug on its back slowly spiralling around.

The chances that I wasn't hugely relieved?

... Approximately None!

Remember Me?

G'day, everybody. I'm back for a quick chat.

October for me is very busy and it will continue while the boss is on long-service leave until the end of the year, when she conveniently retires (and we're working like crazy to get her a replacement). This of course would not have been for my own business that's almost non-existent at the moment, but for the church that currently employs me full-time rather than part-time because our minister is on long-service leave.

Now that I'm thinking about it, my job description is probably not what I want to mention in the post I was planning to write. So can you just forget that I told you WHY I'm busy and just accept that I am.

Thanks.

When I was at University I had a mental assasination list. It was never on paper, and these days could get one in heaps of trouble what with the threat of terrorism and all, but I had a list of people who irritated me and my life would have been so much better if they were no longer on this planet. Some of them would definitely be headed for heaven, so to actually ACT on my list might have resulted in me not having to be irritated by them in the afterlife either!

Yeah, my theology could use a little work here.

Anyway, if I was wiping out irritating individuals and therefore likely to spend this life behind bars and the next 'consigned to a place of great heat' (bonus points if you guess the author, and more if you can remind me which book it comes from) I might as well get rid of those who irritate my friends as well. Yep, that's the kind of friend I am. So the list ended up quite lengthy, and my plan was to start with the most irritating and work down until I was caught or I got through it, whichever came first.

For the last few months the two tiny yappy dogs next door have been driving me nutty. Neither me, nor my Little Black Dog is allowed to roam in the 4 metres adjacent to their fence without being yapped at. I have considered getting an outdoor lie-low, an umbrella, good book, a supply of snacks, earplugs and setting myself up near the fence at about 5am on New Years Day. Then the little yappy dogs can drive the neighbours nutty for a change.

Then again, I could put them on my list.

I was catching up with some reading on Graze and came across this little gem. If I were to re-establish my assassination list I would need to make certain to add whoever it was who invented the idea of sending a toy home to have pictures taken doing something with appropriate captions.

The chance that I'm not singing that song from Mikado in my head and wishing for the poetic ability to do a parody?

... approximately none!

they'd none of 'em be missed!


As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs --
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat —
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —
And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

Chorus.
He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

Ko-Ko.
There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,
And the piano-organist — I've got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed — they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And who "doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try";
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist —
I don't think she'd be missed — I'm sure she'd not he missed!

Chorus.
He's got her on the list — he's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

Ko-Ko.
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The Judicial humorist — I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,Such as —
What d'ye call him — Thing'em-bob, and likewise — Never-mind,
And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

Chorus.
You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!